Mirror, Mirror On The Wall....

As I continue to hover the 100 lb. mark, I find that as tough as that number is to hit and maintain, getting my mind straight is an even a bigger task.   Having struggled with my weight for some time, I would think getting to this point would be nothing but pure joy.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.
I ponder why it isn't.  How could I not be happy when I've achieving what I want?  How could I find fault in the work I have put in and the obstacles I have mastered?  I know, it sounds crazy.  However, it is my reality.
I've talked before about how people have reacted to my journey, both positively and negatively.  I've talked about how I have finally seen the physical changes in myself and am really appreciating that.
What I haven't covered enough for my own well-being is what holds me back from smashing my goals and enjoying it.  It's not how I look on the outside.  It's not the mirror on the wall.  It's the mirror in my mind.
Finally the mirror on the wall shows me a physically different person.  I know this happened well after other people saw the weight coming off.  However, it also does still show me the work that needs to be done.  My journey still has a way to go.  I am fine with that and am determined to see it to accomplishment and then maintain it.   The mirror on the wall compliments me when we engage and fills me with pride and joy.
Unfortunately, I spend less time with the mirror on the wall than the mirror in my mind.  My mind still characterizes me as overweight as I had ever been.  In my mind, that is how everyone sees me.  It convinces me that it dictates how everyone treats and reacts to me.
The mirror in my mind tells me that I'm not good enough and highlights anything that could possibly be viewed as someone judging me and then distancing themselves from me.  That mirror shows me everything negative you could possibly imagine.   Why do I listen to that mirror?  Because it is safe and comfortable.  Yes, you read that right.   That constant self doubt and insults are what makes me comfortable. 
What would happen if all of a sudden I was a supermodel on the outside?  People couldn't dislike me or treat me bad because of my looks (in my mind).  Therefore, that would mean that they didn't like me... for myself.  I wouldn't have an excuse of a character flaw in them to blame.   I would have to admit that maybe there was something about me.   So, in a strange way, it is more comfortable for me to not lose weight.
In reality, I, at times, cause my own issues just to give validity to that inner voice.  I really just accepted this in the past few days.  Because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, I can project that onto another person and insist they view me like the mirror in my mind.  The most interesting part of this is that I do this because I am uncomfortable with them NOT judging me.  It makes me anxious when someone treats me well and does so without using kid gloves.  I know if they saw me in my mirror they would react differently, so I show an ugly mirror that they can't ignore.   If I can just push enough buttons, they, too, will judge me. 
This also satisfies the control-freak inside me.  It allows me to dictate when someone hurts me, instead of being blindsided.  Because, of course, the inner mirror is certain that I will possibly be hurt by everyone eventually. 
When done correctly, the mirror in my mind wins.  It is satisfied to confirm everyone judges me.
When done perfectly, it can devastate me to a state where I don't want to work out or eat right.  When that happens I get to be safe again. I don't have to worry about what happens if I accomplish my goals.  I don't have to fear people judging because I "know" they do and why they do. 
It is a vicious cycle really.  A cycle of self-destruction. 
To add to all of this is my Anxiety Disorder.  A future blog entry will be devoted to trying to explain my anxiety and how it completely disables me at times and what I am doing to battle it.  But, for now, what I will tell you is that it is real and entwines itself in every detail of my life.
Not hitting goals makes me anxious.  Working to hit goals makes me anxious.  Not having goals makes me anxious. Someone judging me makes me anxious.  Thinking someone may judge me makes me anxious.  Someone not judging me makes me anxious.  Me hurting someone by making them judge me makes me anxious.
My explaining this does not make it okay.  It does not repair damage that is done.  It does not excuse past or future episodes.  What this blog entry does is force me to admit what my mind is capable of and what I am allowing it to do.
There is no pride in writing this.  In fact, it is embarrassing and humiliating.  This blog post is intended to let someone out there know that they are not alone.  However, I know that someone else has to fight the same battle as I am.  To that person I say: "You are not alone.  You can win.  You will win.  Just keep fighting." 
I feel confident saying that because although I'm making some bad mistakes, I haven't given up.  I am truly saddened by the collateral damage that has been caused by my ability to not win yet.  In the past that would shut me down, but now I can not let that damage be in vain.  Those who were affected by my issues ever deserve better.
I need to learn to cover that inner mirror like I'm sitting Shiva for the damaged girl who I'm letting go.  I know it will be scary.  I know it makes me vulnerable and not in control.  But, most of all, I know it needs to happen if I am going to hit anymore goals and, more so, enjoy them.