Progress.... Alone, Struggling, & Proud

"Success is sweet. But the road to success is very bitter. So bitter that one could be forced to doubt the sweetness of success." - Terry Marks

The reason I write this blog is to document my journey.  By doing so I can celebrate my milestones, voice my struggles and let others who feel the same as I do, know that they are not alone.
There is no doubt that I love my successes.   I have finally come to the point that I celebrate them.   For some it may seem obvious that I would embrace my triumphs.  But, when you have the mindset I have had my whole life, any positivity makes me timid and ashamed of where I came from instead of proud of the progress.  So where I do celebrate,  it is a quiet, almost silent, celebration.   There is one person I share every joy of my progress with (poor thing)... and a there a few others that I share some with.  It takes a lot for me to trust anyone to the point of divulging that I'm happy with something about myself physically.
I know how I feel about my progress is my issue and I'm working through that.  My progress may be slow but its there.  When I struggle to stay on course it is often because the loneliness of my success.
The loneliness really comes in 2 forms,  internally & externally.
My internal root of being lonely stems from my obsessive behavior.   My first priority is my fitness journey.  However I have an issue balancing having a social life and getting my workouts in.   That is on me end I am working on realizing that I can have a balance.
The loneliness that I label as "external" materializes in 2 ways. The first is one that is rooted in respect.   I find when people know you are trying to be strict with your diet,  sometimes they try to be supportive by not putting you in tempting situations.   Where I can appreciate that, it leaves one just feeling isolated.  Although it may be tempting to be at a festivity with drinks and food, i need to live life.  By not inviting me it makes me question your felling towards me... or at least the "new me".
The second external source,  to be completely honest,  is extremely hurtful.   When anyone starts this journey they have family friends who they love and who love them back.   What I have experienced is that many of those people ignore or look past my accomplishments.  Some of the people who I would think would be the happiest for me have ignored my journey.  Which makes me question the validity if my success. Some people say this avoidance of my progression is jealousy... some say its cold.... for me, I don't care what causes it.  I do care about how it makes me feel.  I withdraw a bit from those people to further my isolation and loneliness.
With all that being said,  this is MY journey and I own it - good and bad.  I will continue to work on my reactions to others and my inner dialogue. I can't control anything else.

Counting Down ... and Up.... and Down

The last few months of my life have been crazy, wonderful, tough, happy and every other emotion I can imagine.  Since March I lost my best pal (my dog Shea), had a triple hernia surgery and moved to another city. Once again, I kick myself for not documenting my raw real-life emotions in this blog.  However being overwhelmed is something I do really well, which can paralyze me from doing things that I enjoy or help me.
One of the positives that I take pride in is that I remained focused (most of the time) on my physical progress that I promised myself I would continue.  It was not easy, especially with a surgery recovery which banned me from working out for 8 weeks.  Sprinkle that with my blood clot issues restricting my diet from any green vegetables. 
At the end of this week I am at 10 months since I committed to a workout and nutrition change to transform my body and my life. At 6 months I was at 61 lbs down.  At that time I had decided to shoot for 100lbs lost in one year.   I knew it was a challenge but it gave me something to shoot for.
I recently hit the 94 lb lost mark.  When I did so it became so important to me to hit the 100lb mark by 10 Months (August 16th) and I knew I could do it.  To be completely honest, I don't think it will happen now and I need to be okay with that.   I had 2 weeks to lose 6 lbs.  I know that is not the healthiest goal or even the realistic.  However, the crazy tiger that lives inside me didn't care.
I now have 4 days to lose 7 lbs.   I was counting down.  Then the movement on the scale stopped and my counting ceased.  I counted again this evening... unfortunately I counted up.   It's not the first time in this journey I counted up.  But just because I've done it before, doesn't mean it doesn't shock and hurt me as much as the first time.  Sometimes I think it gets worse every time it happens.  My relationship with the scale is very much a love-hate relationship.  When it gives me the news I want, I love it and visit it as often as possible.... but when it gives me bad news, I want nothing to do with it for long periods of time, to the point I won't even look at it. 
I know any reasonable person can tell me the obvious.... that my water weight fluctuates, my hormonal changes throughout the month effect the scale and that since I really started lifting I am adding muscle which adds weight.  My mind understands that.  My heart is a little slow.
It is a journey, not a day trip. I need to remind myself of that at times like these.  The way I am doing so tonight is looking back.  I'm not looking back to go in reverse, but to remember that I've come so far.  I need to be proud of it and know if I can accomplish that, I'm stronger than I know.