Almond Chocolate Swirl Cake, Chicken Avacado Bacon Salad & Caprese Meatball Snackers

This Week's Gluten Free - Low Carb Recipes

• Almond Chocolate Swirl Cake
• Chicken Avocado Bacon Salad
• Caprese Meatball Snackers

Chocolate Almond Swirl Cake

Makes 16 Servings, 7 Net Carbs Per Serving

 

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp butter
• 4 tbsp cocoa powder
• 2 1/2 cup almond flour
• 4 tbsp erythritol
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 6 eggs
• 1 cup whole milk ricotta
• 1 tsp almond extract
• 20 drops stevia extract

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 325F and grease loaf pan.
2. In a medium bowl melt butter. Stir in cocoa powder until smooth. Set aside.
3. In a medium bowl, whisk together almond flour, erythritol, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. 
4. In a larger bowl, beat eggs with electric mixer until frothy. Beat in ricotta, almond extract and stevia until smooth. Add dry ingredients and beat until thoroughly combined. 
5. Move half of batter into chocolate mixture and mix until thoroughly combined.
6. Alternating between light and dark mixtures, spoon dabs of batter into prepared pan  
7. Bake for 40-45 minutes or until top is set and a tester inserted in the middle comes out clean.

Chicken Avocado Bacon Salad

Depending on how you serve and the mayonnaise & dressing you use carbs will vary, but Ultra Low Carb

 Ingredients

• 3 chicken breasts, grilled, cooled and cubed
• 6 Scallions, diced
• 1 package bacon, cooked and crumbled
• 2 avocados, cubed
• 1/4 cup of Mayonnaise
• 1/4 cup of Ranch Dressing
• salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

1. Combine all ingredients in a bowl
2. Enjoy cool or warmed up.  You can add Salsa or Shredded Mexican Cheese Blend for Variety

Caprese Meatball Snackers

Makes 16 Meatballs - 1/2 a Carb Each

Ingredients

• 1 lb ground turkey
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup almond flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp ground black pepper
• 1/2 tsp garlic powder
• 1/2 cup shredded whole milk mozzarella
• 1/4 cup roasted red peppers finely chopped
• 2 Tbsp basil
• 2 Tbsp olive oil for frying

Instructions

1. Combine all ingredients except the olive oil in a medium bowl and mix thoroughly.
2.  Form into 16 meatballs.
3.  Heat the olive oil in a large nonstick saute pan.
4. Add the meatballs to the hot oil and cook over low/medium heat until cooked through.
5. Serve alone ... or, like I did, serve on a toothpick with some fresh mozzarella and tomato.

This Week's Egg Muffin

The 4th picture is of this week's egg muffin

See October 5th blog for general recipe.  This week I used egg, scallions, bacon and cheddar cheese.

 

 

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins & Creamy Chicken Soup

When I tell people I strictly limit my carbs, I often get asked, "Well, what do you eat?"
I eat a lot of meat, cheese, and certain vegetables.   But I think depriving yourself of anything makes you want to have it more.  So, I have been exploring more and more recipes that allow me to eat some of the things I crave within what my body uses as fuel (and doesn't store).  I'm often asked to share the recipes, so I will try to add recipes as I make them.
I love soup.   I could eat it everyday.  And that one of the foods I miss regularly.   So, I was happy to discover this recipe for a Creamy Chicken Soup.  Next time I make it I may add a bit more seasoning, but overall it was good.  The muffins are ridiculously good... dangerously good.

Both are Low Carb and Gluten-Free

Creamy Chicken Crockpot Soup

Net 8 Carbs Per Serving, Makes 4 Servings

Ingredients

• 3 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded
• 1 onion (diced)
• 2 stalks celery (diced)
• 2 carrots (sliced)
• 8 oz. sliced mushrooms
• 2 cloves garlic (chopped)
• 4 cups chicken broth
• 1 tsp thyme
• 1 tsp parsley
• ½ tsp vanilla
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 2 handfuls of spinach leaves

Instructions

1. Add chicken, onion, celery, carrots, mushrooms, garlic, chicken broth, thyme, parsley, and vanilla to the crock pot. Cook on low 8 hours.
2. Thirty minutes before serving, add cream. Stir to combine and continue cooking until soup is heated through.
3. Right before serving, stir in two big handfuls of spinach leaves.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins

Net  4 Carbs Per Muffin,  Makes 15 Muffins

Ingredients

Pumpkin Muffins:
• 3/4 cup pumpkin puree
• 3 cups almond flour
• 1/3 cup unflavoured whey protein powder
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 ½ tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp ginger
• 1/4 tsp cloves
• 1/4 cup butter, softened
• 1/2 cup Swerve Granulated Sweetener (or other erythritol)
• 3 large eggs
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk
Candied Walnuts:
• 1/2 tbsp butter
• 1/4 cup finely chopped walnuts
• 1 tbsp Swerve Granulated Sweetener (or other erythritol)
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
Cream Cheese Filling:
• 8 oz cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 cup Swerve powdered Sweetener (or other powdered erythritol)
• 2 tbsp cream
• 1/2 tsp vanilla

Instructions

1. On a plate lined with two layers of paper towel, spread out pumpkin puree and blot with another layer or two of paper towels. Let sit while making walnuts and cream cheese filling.
2. For the candied walnuts, melt butter in small skillet over medium heat. Add walnuts and toss to coat. Add sweetener and cinnamon and toss to coat. Remove from heat and set aside.
3. For the cream cheese filling, beat cream cheese with powdered sweetener, cream and vanilla extract until smooth. Set aside.
4. For the muffins, preheat oven to 325F and line 15 muffin tins with paper liners.
5. In a medium bowl, whisk together the almond flour, protein powder, baking powder, baking soda, salt and spices.
6. In a large bowl, beat butter with sweetener until well combined. Beat in pumpkin puree, eggs and vanilla extract.
7. Beat in almond flour mixture in two additions, alternating with almond milk.
8. Drop a spoonful of batter into the bottom of prepared muffin tins to fill 2/3 of way and use a spoon to make a well in the center. Drop a tablespoon of cream cheese filling into the well, then top with more batter to fill muffin tins about 3/4 full.
9. Sprinkle each muffin with some candied walnuts.
10. Bake 23 to 25 minutes, or until tops are set and edges are just browned. Let cool in pan 15 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

This Weekend's Recipes - October 5th

I do believe that the best way for me to make good food choices during the week is to food prep on Sunday.  Maybe because I'm cheap and don't want to throw food out or maybe its because it limits my choices.  Either way, food prep is essential to my diet.
Because I do eat ultra low carb (less than 30 grams per day) I will always supplement this with meats (cold cuts, chicken breast), eggs, cheeses, protein shakes/bars and high fiber vegetables (plus caffeine and lots of water).  
The recipes this week are all simple, Gluten Free and super yummy!

Almond Butter Cake Loaf

1/4 cup sliced almonds
3 cups almond flour
1/3 cup unflavoured whey protein powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup granulated erythritol (Swerve is brand name I use)
3 large eggs
1 tsp almond extract
20 drops Stevia extract
1/2 cup almond milk

• Preheat oven to 300F and butter a loaf pan and sprinkle sides and bottom  with sliced almonds, pressing into butter to adhere to sides.
• In a medium bowl, mix almond flour, protein powder, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Set aside.
• In a large bowl, beat butter.. Add granulated erythritol and beat until lighter. Beat in eggs and then almond and Stevia extracts.
• Slowly beat in the almond flour mixture, then beat in almond milk. 
• Put batter in prepared pan, being careful not to move sliced almonds on the sides.
• Bake 60 minutes, or until top is golden brown
• Let cool in pan 5 minutes, then flip out onto a wire rack to cool completely.

Serves 12. Each serving has a total of 7.1 g of carbs and 3.2 g of fiber. Total NET CARBS = 3.9 g

 Egg "Muffins"

This is a recipe I make often.... so great for those busy mornings.  And a quick breakfast makes one less excuse why not to workout in the morning.   Since this is a recipe I play with... it is very unscientific or exact.

1 dozen eggs
2 cups of shredded cheese (if you want... and you can use more or less... I've also used feta)
1/2 cup of diced onions (if you want ... and you can use more or less)
1/2 cup of diced green peppers (if you want... and you can use more or less.. or any veggie of choice)
1 cup of meat of your choice (or none if you want)
Salt, Pepper and/or any seasoning of choice
Non Stick Cooking Spray

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees
• Prepare a Muffin Pan.  I suggest using reusable silicone muffin cups but you can use paper muffin cups double lined.  Put the cups in a muffin pan and spray with a non-stick cooking spray like Pam.
• In a large batter bowl, wisk eggs and then add in the remaining ingredients
• Use a Ladle to pour into muffin cups, fill about 2/3rds full
• Make 25-35 minutes until top is browned
• Let cool before eating
• You can put these in a food storage bag or container and reheat in microwave in morning for 30 seconds

This recipe is gluten free and the carbs will depend on what you add to the mixture but will be ultra low carb

Dry Rub Pork Loin

1 pork tenderloin (about 1 lb.) - Adjust recipe if you buy larger loin
1 Tbsp. olive oil
Juice from 1 lime
1 tsp. onion powder
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. chili powder
1/2 tsp. oregano
1/2 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
1/8 tsp. allspice
1/8 tsp. cayenne

• Preheat oven to 425 degrees
• Rub olive oil & lime on the loin
• Mix remaining ingredients in a bowl and then rub into the loin
• Bake in roasting pan for 30 minutes per pound

2 carbs per 5oz serving

Pumpkin Cheesecake Mousse 

8 ounces cream cheese

1 cup pure pumpkin

1 cup heavy cream

1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice

2-4 drops of vanilla liquid Stevia 

• Using a stand or hand mixer blend cream cheese and pumpkin until smooth
• Add the rest of the ingredients and blend until whipped and fluffy
• Keep refrigerated until ready to serve.

Net Carbs is 2.5 per serving, Makes 8 servings

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall....

As I continue to hover the 100 lb. mark, I find that as tough as that number is to hit and maintain, getting my mind straight is an even a bigger task.   Having struggled with my weight for some time, I would think getting to this point would be nothing but pure joy.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.
I ponder why it isn't.  How could I not be happy when I've achieving what I want?  How could I find fault in the work I have put in and the obstacles I have mastered?  I know, it sounds crazy.  However, it is my reality.
I've talked before about how people have reacted to my journey, both positively and negatively.  I've talked about how I have finally seen the physical changes in myself and am really appreciating that.
What I haven't covered enough for my own well-being is what holds me back from smashing my goals and enjoying it.  It's not how I look on the outside.  It's not the mirror on the wall.  It's the mirror in my mind.
Finally the mirror on the wall shows me a physically different person.  I know this happened well after other people saw the weight coming off.  However, it also does still show me the work that needs to be done.  My journey still has a way to go.  I am fine with that and am determined to see it to accomplishment and then maintain it.   The mirror on the wall compliments me when we engage and fills me with pride and joy.
Unfortunately, I spend less time with the mirror on the wall than the mirror in my mind.  My mind still characterizes me as overweight as I had ever been.  In my mind, that is how everyone sees me.  It convinces me that it dictates how everyone treats and reacts to me.
The mirror in my mind tells me that I'm not good enough and highlights anything that could possibly be viewed as someone judging me and then distancing themselves from me.  That mirror shows me everything negative you could possibly imagine.   Why do I listen to that mirror?  Because it is safe and comfortable.  Yes, you read that right.   That constant self doubt and insults are what makes me comfortable. 
What would happen if all of a sudden I was a supermodel on the outside?  People couldn't dislike me or treat me bad because of my looks (in my mind).  Therefore, that would mean that they didn't like me... for myself.  I wouldn't have an excuse of a character flaw in them to blame.   I would have to admit that maybe there was something about me.   So, in a strange way, it is more comfortable for me to not lose weight.
In reality, I, at times, cause my own issues just to give validity to that inner voice.  I really just accepted this in the past few days.  Because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, I can project that onto another person and insist they view me like the mirror in my mind.  The most interesting part of this is that I do this because I am uncomfortable with them NOT judging me.  It makes me anxious when someone treats me well and does so without using kid gloves.  I know if they saw me in my mirror they would react differently, so I show an ugly mirror that they can't ignore.   If I can just push enough buttons, they, too, will judge me. 
This also satisfies the control-freak inside me.  It allows me to dictate when someone hurts me, instead of being blindsided.  Because, of course, the inner mirror is certain that I will possibly be hurt by everyone eventually. 
When done correctly, the mirror in my mind wins.  It is satisfied to confirm everyone judges me.
When done perfectly, it can devastate me to a state where I don't want to work out or eat right.  When that happens I get to be safe again. I don't have to worry about what happens if I accomplish my goals.  I don't have to fear people judging because I "know" they do and why they do. 
It is a vicious cycle really.  A cycle of self-destruction. 
To add to all of this is my Anxiety Disorder.  A future blog entry will be devoted to trying to explain my anxiety and how it completely disables me at times and what I am doing to battle it.  But, for now, what I will tell you is that it is real and entwines itself in every detail of my life.
Not hitting goals makes me anxious.  Working to hit goals makes me anxious.  Not having goals makes me anxious. Someone judging me makes me anxious.  Thinking someone may judge me makes me anxious.  Someone not judging me makes me anxious.  Me hurting someone by making them judge me makes me anxious.
My explaining this does not make it okay.  It does not repair damage that is done.  It does not excuse past or future episodes.  What this blog entry does is force me to admit what my mind is capable of and what I am allowing it to do.
There is no pride in writing this.  In fact, it is embarrassing and humiliating.  This blog post is intended to let someone out there know that they are not alone.  However, I know that someone else has to fight the same battle as I am.  To that person I say: "You are not alone.  You can win.  You will win.  Just keep fighting." 
I feel confident saying that because although I'm making some bad mistakes, I haven't given up.  I am truly saddened by the collateral damage that has been caused by my ability to not win yet.  In the past that would shut me down, but now I can not let that damage be in vain.  Those who were affected by my issues ever deserve better.
I need to learn to cover that inner mirror like I'm sitting Shiva for the damaged girl who I'm letting go.  I know it will be scary.  I know it makes me vulnerable and not in control.  But, most of all, I know it needs to happen if I am going to hit anymore goals and, more so, enjoy them. 

I Will Never Forget.... Ever

 

Bitten inner lip, ripped cuticles, sleepless nights, swollen & red eyes, and a sore jaw... and yes,  I know this tightness in my chest.   
It is how I knew what date it is.  I am not going to pretend like that I don't have other stresses or issues to deal with right now.  But knowing that today we are remember those lost that day brings back every feeling I had that day and the days/months following.  This has been my fear for 13 years.  However, my new fear is that although I will remember that we, as a country, will not. 
Two years ago, New York (and New Jersey) was destroyed by Super Storm Sandy.  I was devastated by the heartache and loss my people experienced.  The devastation was wide-spread and sad.
As bad as Sandy was, it was not an attack on our people on our soil.  Everyone knew it was coming (not that there was much you could do) and knew it would end.  With 9/11 there was no warning and, still to this day, we watching our back for the next attack.  Sandy was an act of nature, similar (although on a greater scale) to the hurricanes and tornadoes I see in North Carolina.  This is unlike 9/11 where there were PEOPLE behind it.  There was plotting and scheming.  There was intent.  Someone planned to kill us.  There was a group of people who wanted to cripple our society.   And on the news this very day there are people threatening to do something just as sinister to our people
What I would like to ask people is to never forget.  When you are in the airport and the TSA line is long, remember who they are looking for.  When you see an American flag, remember that we are all in this together.   There are teenagers in high school now who have no memories of parent because they were infants when terrorists took their lives. 
I have included (below) the thoughts I wrote 6 years ago about that day.   I still battle the blue skies.  I fight hard on gorgeous days. My panic disorder swirls in full effect on weeks like this. But I will never give up.
Thank you and God bless to every person who is currently or has served in the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, NYPD, FDNY, Port Authority and everyone else that has served in the police & fire departments across this country.

Has it been 8 years Already? It has only been 8 years?

As I settle in to enjoy the first night of NFL, there is something nagging at my heart. I look forward to this day for 7 months. I have spent the past 4 weekends rushing around to complete tasks around the house so I don't feel so guilty when I spend the next 17 Sundays hanging onto every over-analyzed comment some has-been wants to throw at me. Hell, the Mets even decided to pack it in more than a month ago so I could dedicate myself fully to the NFL games and my beloved Fantasy Team, "The Long Island Hell Cats." So why am I lacking the excitement I usually have and my heart, so heavy?
Eight years ago our country changed (or at least should have) forever. And even if you think I am overstating that I can assure you that I changed forever that day.
At the time I was working for the Muscular Dystrophy Association as a District Director. It was a job I loved in so many ways. I will spare you the negatives at this point in time. Working at MDA I met so many amazing people who handled challenges that I could never imagine better than I handled finding a dress to wear to an event. From children knowing that they would never grow as old as I was at the time (in my late 20s) to those around my age who knew they would never see their newborn's 5th birthday. The strength these individuals and their families showed me everyday was nothing short of inspiring. I always thought what I saw at MDA would be the best and worst I would ever see.
Despite acknowledging that everyday, I still let my own life struggles get the best of me at times. September 10, 2001 was one of those days. In some ways it was a typical "nothing goes right" Monday after an exhausting summer of golf tournaments and various "athon"s. Additionally, I was still struggling with the death of my dear PaPa in August. After a very long day at work, I went home, ate dinner, spoke to a friend on the phone and then headed to bed early.
As my alarm went of on that Tuesday morning, I grunted (as usual), hit snooze a few times and made my way to the bathroom. After popping my contacts in, I headed back to the bedroom to figure out what I wanted to wear. The clock caught my eye and realized I had left my alarm set for 2 hours early, when I had to awake on Monday. I snuggled back into my bed to catch a few more zzzs but could not. So, reluctantly, I made a decision to have a good day. I changed my clothes, headed to the living area and had an early morning date with my on-again-off-again boyfriend Billy Blanks. Once Tae Bo had my blood pumping I got into the shower and off I went.
As I drove to pick up the "Long Island Champion Breakfast" of a Large Coffee and Buttered Roll from 7-Eleven, the amazingly blue sky caught my eye. Upon exiting with my treats in hand, I stopped before opening my car door to look at every bit of sky I could see... just trying to find one (however itty bitty) cloud. I could not find one. As I sat down in my car, I rolled down every window and the moon roof and reaffirmed to myself out loud that today was going to be a great day. I was ready.
At each stop light on my way to the office (which if I remember correctly, there are 97 lights between Setauket & Hauppauge ... especially if you take route 347) I looked up at the sky through the moon roof. I was in complete amazement. In all my 20-some-odd years, I had never seen such a blue sky.
Upon entering the office, I went on my normal routine. Turned on the lights and computers. I turned on the office CD player and knew I had a good 1 1/2 hours before anyone else would arrive. At the time I was in the midst of a huge Harry Connick, Jr. phase and would often use his mellow tones to ease me into my day. But not today. I had pushed my southern boy to the side for my old standard, hometown boy, Billy Joel. As I rushed around the office, I sang along with BJ with a determined light heartedness I not had in at least a couple of months.
At approximately 8:50 AM I received a phone call from a friend telling me that "some jackass drove a plane in the World Trade Center.... and you thought you had a bad day yesterday?" I rushed off the phone as I had things to do, shaking my head wondering how a pilot could manage that. He had to be drunk.
Just a few minutes after 9 AM, some of my co workers started into the office. Okay, we had a small staff and as much as I love them, being on time was not one of the respects they showed me. But today, their faces were stressed, confused, pale and they were rambling on. What? Another plane hit the WTC? My friend called back to let me know that this was no mistake. We were under attack. My breathtaking sky was now the backdrop to smoke, ashes, horror and the last breaths of thousands of people.
Since I did work for a not-for-profit, we did not have luxuries like Internet or television to be able to watch the news coverage. However, Billy did need to shut up, as we needed to listen to the news on the radio. As I look back now, I am glad that I did not have a television to see the 2nd plane hit or the towers fall. At least when I did see it happen, I knew it was coming.
Maybe another day I will write all the details of the day; that is if I ever really remember them. It really is a blur. I remember no cell phones or LAN lines working all day in New York. No way to find out if your friends and family were safe. There were so many people who were lucky to get out of the city that day, even if it did take them 15 hours and they were as dirty as could be. Meanwhile while so many were fleeing, Firefighters and Police were leaving their safe homes and heading in to try and save their brothers and those that they dedicated their lives to keep safe. The highways were closed to the rest of us.
After leaving work and stopping at my parent's house to check in, I arrived at my apartment. I spent the next 12 hours glued to news coverage, listening to helicopters and military planes fly overhead, and reminding myself not to think about what that smell was that was lingering in the air.
For the next few weeks (or longer), the average New Yorker lived in a Zombie like state. Some were consumed with news coverage. Some were angry. Some were searching for their loved ones that were still missing. Some found God. Many were attending funerals. Many were looking for someway to payback. Most gave in any way we could to neighbors and charities that needed our help. All of us cried. All of us were looking for reasons why.
Commuting on Long Island is a nightmare that could turn the most calm person into a road rage offender. But during those weeks, drivers were courteous and I received many friendly hellos from strangers, which I had never seen before on LI. However, for weeks the commutes were worse than ever. You could not drive without running into a funeral procession or hitting traffic by a funeral home or fire house. Those purple flags hung for months on each fire house. However, I did not want to go to the Railroad station. There, you would see THEIR CARS. The cars that were there last time you were there... in the same spot. The ones that their owners left behind on that Tuesday Morning and never came back for.
The one sight that would lighten my mood was seeing my beautiful "Old Glory" everywhere I went. This Flag Day baby has never seen a more beautiful sight than the stars and stripes blowing in the wind. Every car, house, business, highway overpass... Everywhere you looked was the Red, White & Blue hung with pride. The one thought that made me feel better was knowing PaPa did not have to see what happened that day.
As with all things, time began to heal wounds. I don't believe they will ever completely be mended; For sure, the scars are deep. I am a lucky one. Of course, I know people whose journey ended that day but I did not lose a family member or a close friend.
However, something precious to me was taken from me on 9/11... blue skies. For eight years I have never seen a more beautiful sky than I did that morning. Any one that has even come close quickly reminds me of that day and shrouds me in sadness, even if only for a few minutes.
In my mind I have fought this. I don't want to give that to those who attacked us. One day, I will look at a blue sky and just bask in it again. The only thing that could make that day better was if while doing so I saw American Flags hung with pride for no reason. If people where just proud to be Americans because of our history, present & future... not because someone punched us in the eye.
I look forward to that day. But tonight, I make the decision to not let them take football from me as well. Even as Harry just sang the Star Spangled Banner in his fabulous voice, just as he began to sing "Recipe for Love" that morning. I remember that day and send my prayers to all those who lost their life that day. But I will not let terrorists win anymore.

"Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)"
By Alan Jackson
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Out in the yard with your wife and children
Working on some stage in LA
Did you stand there in shock at the site of
That black smoke rising against that blue sky
Did you shout out in anger
In fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry
Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below
Did you burst out in pride
For the red white and blue
The heroes who died just doing what they do
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself to what really matters

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone
Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her
Did you dust off that bible at home
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Speak with some stranger on the street
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Go out and buy you a gun
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
Stand in line and give your own blood
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
The greatest is love
The greatest is love
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day

Roll With The Punches

My whole life I have heard the term "Roll with the Punches."   Although I never really thought much about it, the way I have always heard it used is to adjust when things don't go your way.  I know I have said it plenty of times when life threw me curve balls, as simple as getting a flat tire to more monumental events in life.  I've used the expression meaning to not freak out but rather keep focused and move on.

The etymology of the phrase is boxing.  The roll is when you move when you are going to get hit to avoid absorbing the full effect of the punch.  You may be able to roll and completely avoid the punch, but if you don't, at least you can lessen the impact.  I know my trainers will now have to correct me on my definition of a "roll" because I'm sure I'm not explaining it 100% correctly. 
I, admittedly, am not always the best at "rolling with the punches" in life.   Eventually I do roll, but often I first pause.  I take time to feel my emotion(s).  I may get frustrated. I may panic.  I may take time to complain about it not being fair.  I will often cry.  And that pause causes the hit to come straight on ... with full power.  To my credit, I never fully quit, I adjust and continue on.  That is what survivors do. 
I always felt tough being a survivor... being able to take a punch and move on.  The past year I have learned that there is more inside me than surviving.  I've been introduced to a fighter.  The boxer doesn't just take the hit and move on.  S/He tries to identify the upcoming punch before it happens and rolls to minimize that impact.  I've learned to try and identify what is going to come at me and then develop a plan on how to handle it.    This is a change I am trying to make on both bigger issues in life, but also in day to day activities. 
The second part of executing a good roll is not just moving on, but coming back with a counter punch/combination that makes them pay for the attack they just attempted on you.  This is also some of the fighter I have found inside me.  There is a great lesson I have learned in not just moving on from a difficult day or situation that I didn't avoid.  Instead of just moving on when life kicks me in the ass, I strive to kick life's ass by being better than the day before I got knocked down. 
On my fitness journey, this fighter mentality has assisted me greatly.  Starting with the roll, I have begun to really identify triggers that set me off course.  I have also begun to plan how I will handle my diet when out of my normal routine, instead of using the change in plans as an excuse to have a cheat day.
But when I do take the punch (lessened impact or not), I come back swinging.  So many of my healthy routines ended because I had one bad day.  That one bad day was often something I could not forgive myself for or move on from because a cheat day was often more comfortable for me.  Now, I've learned that although I stumble, I can still win the lifelong fight I'm in.
As I continue on my path of unleashing that inner fighter inside me,  I am learning more and more about myself and how bad I want to box out of the shell I've lived in. 

Progress.... Alone, Struggling, & Proud

"Success is sweet. But the road to success is very bitter. So bitter that one could be forced to doubt the sweetness of success." - Terry Marks

The reason I write this blog is to document my journey.  By doing so I can celebrate my milestones, voice my struggles and let others who feel the same as I do, know that they are not alone.
There is no doubt that I love my successes.   I have finally come to the point that I celebrate them.   For some it may seem obvious that I would embrace my triumphs.  But, when you have the mindset I have had my whole life, any positivity makes me timid and ashamed of where I came from instead of proud of the progress.  So where I do celebrate,  it is a quiet, almost silent, celebration.   There is one person I share every joy of my progress with (poor thing)... and a there a few others that I share some with.  It takes a lot for me to trust anyone to the point of divulging that I'm happy with something about myself physically.
I know how I feel about my progress is my issue and I'm working through that.  My progress may be slow but its there.  When I struggle to stay on course it is often because the loneliness of my success.
The loneliness really comes in 2 forms,  internally & externally.
My internal root of being lonely stems from my obsessive behavior.   My first priority is my fitness journey.  However I have an issue balancing having a social life and getting my workouts in.   That is on me end I am working on realizing that I can have a balance.
The loneliness that I label as "external" materializes in 2 ways. The first is one that is rooted in respect.   I find when people know you are trying to be strict with your diet,  sometimes they try to be supportive by not putting you in tempting situations.   Where I can appreciate that, it leaves one just feeling isolated.  Although it may be tempting to be at a festivity with drinks and food, i need to live life.  By not inviting me it makes me question your felling towards me... or at least the "new me".
The second external source,  to be completely honest,  is extremely hurtful.   When anyone starts this journey they have family friends who they love and who love them back.   What I have experienced is that many of those people ignore or look past my accomplishments.  Some of the people who I would think would be the happiest for me have ignored my journey.  Which makes me question the validity if my success. Some people say this avoidance of my progression is jealousy... some say its cold.... for me, I don't care what causes it.  I do care about how it makes me feel.  I withdraw a bit from those people to further my isolation and loneliness.
With all that being said,  this is MY journey and I own it - good and bad.  I will continue to work on my reactions to others and my inner dialogue. I can't control anything else.

Counting Down ... and Up.... and Down

The last few months of my life have been crazy, wonderful, tough, happy and every other emotion I can imagine.  Since March I lost my best pal (my dog Shea), had a triple hernia surgery and moved to another city. Once again, I kick myself for not documenting my raw real-life emotions in this blog.  However being overwhelmed is something I do really well, which can paralyze me from doing things that I enjoy or help me.
One of the positives that I take pride in is that I remained focused (most of the time) on my physical progress that I promised myself I would continue.  It was not easy, especially with a surgery recovery which banned me from working out for 8 weeks.  Sprinkle that with my blood clot issues restricting my diet from any green vegetables. 
At the end of this week I am at 10 months since I committed to a workout and nutrition change to transform my body and my life. At 6 months I was at 61 lbs down.  At that time I had decided to shoot for 100lbs lost in one year.   I knew it was a challenge but it gave me something to shoot for.
I recently hit the 94 lb lost mark.  When I did so it became so important to me to hit the 100lb mark by 10 Months (August 16th) and I knew I could do it.  To be completely honest, I don't think it will happen now and I need to be okay with that.   I had 2 weeks to lose 6 lbs.  I know that is not the healthiest goal or even the realistic.  However, the crazy tiger that lives inside me didn't care.
I now have 4 days to lose 7 lbs.   I was counting down.  Then the movement on the scale stopped and my counting ceased.  I counted again this evening... unfortunately I counted up.   It's not the first time in this journey I counted up.  But just because I've done it before, doesn't mean it doesn't shock and hurt me as much as the first time.  Sometimes I think it gets worse every time it happens.  My relationship with the scale is very much a love-hate relationship.  When it gives me the news I want, I love it and visit it as often as possible.... but when it gives me bad news, I want nothing to do with it for long periods of time, to the point I won't even look at it. 
I know any reasonable person can tell me the obvious.... that my water weight fluctuates, my hormonal changes throughout the month effect the scale and that since I really started lifting I am adding muscle which adds weight.  My mind understands that.  My heart is a little slow.
It is a journey, not a day trip. I need to remind myself of that at times like these.  The way I am doing so tonight is looking back.  I'm not looking back to go in reverse, but to remember that I've come so far.  I need to be proud of it and know if I can accomplish that, I'm stronger than I know.

Pad Work Progress - 6 Months of Dedication

Spring Time Brings New Life

Although this year's spring weather has been as moody as I tend to be, the fact that it is actually spring automatically gives everyone a little extra bounce in their step.  The days are longer and warmer.  The dogs start getting longer walks and the children are outside on their bikes.
There is definitely something about spring.  I don't know if it was from growing up Catholic, but I always view Spring as a time of Rebirth.  Of course Easter is a holiday celebrating Rising from the dead, but the whole season is filled with that imagery, from trees getting leaves, birds returning to chirping, flowers blooming and, here in the south, we are covered in pollen.
Ten months ago I was convinced by my trainer and friend, Espo, to try Pad Work as a method of exercising.  For the next four months I learned to love it and became better everyday.  Six months ago I committed to it as a lifestyle and not just something I did for an hour a couple of days a week.
For the past 6 months, I remained committed.  I decided to dedicate 6 months to living without alcohol, carbohydrates and workout excuses. 
Sure, I've had my stumbles.  I have definitely had my cheat days.  I'm not going to say that it was easy or that I did it perfectly.  I've had a glass of wine here or there.  I've indulged in a Peep or Slice of Pizza.  However, what I did differently this time was to not beat myself up every time I stumbled slightly.  It is amazing how it is my natural reaction to give in to the smallest of failures.  
I remember one morning telling Espo that I had messed everything up because I couldn't sleep the night before, I ate some cookies at 1 am and then accidentally slept thru my morning workout.  I was devastated.  I felt like I had thrown the whole 6 months down the drain.  When he just laughed and said, "OK.  You will eat healthy today and get in a workout later.  It's not the end of the world,"  I just stopped.  It was such a simple and truthful answer.  So much so that I didn't comprehend it at first.  Should I have eaten cookies at 1 AM? No.  But was I going to gain 30 pounds because I had a weak moment? No.  There are times in my past that this would have been the excuse I used to quit.  I would have thrown in the towel and not looked back. 
The focus on my new lifestyle was not always easy, but I can now say it was worth it.  My life has often been planned around workouts.  I became very good at developing menus and shopping for food for the week.  I've learned how to look at any menu &/or convenience store and find what could be consumed for 1g of carb or less. 
But here we are 6 months later and I am celebrating another rebirth this spring.  My body is smaller than it has been in a very long time, down 61 lbs in that time.  My commitment is stronger than ever.  From the size to the type of clothes I am wearing has changed.  There is a "new me" that was underneath the layers of failure and self doubt.  
I am sure I will have plenty of weak moments.  There is no doubt that I will eat things that aren't the healthiest.  But, what I won't do is allow that to take away the progress I have made, nor distract my focus of where I am going.
I honestly look forward to where I will be in another 6 months.  Before I know it, we will all be planing for Halloween and wondering where the summer went.  I'm sure I won't understand how it became fall so quickly, but I am also sure that I will be a smaller, stronger version of me trying to figure it out. 

Check Out Our Boxing Progress As Well...

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08Wpy1a86qY

Moving Forward For Myself... Hitting a Milestone of 50

When I decided to start this blog I promised myself that I would write from the heart so that it would always be real and maybe even raw at times.  During the past 6 weeks since my last entry, I have had a lot of ups and downs in my journey.  I should have used this forum as a way to work through it but, unfortunately, I did not. 
I allowed myself some time off during the holidays from my normal workout and diet.  Then the cold weather and cold/flu season took its toll.  Although I never completely unraveled, I would be lying if I said I followed the plan that I was married to from October to December.
In addition to the seasonal struggles, there were work and general life stresses.  But, I also allowed other people's opinions of me and my journey to once again produce a fog on the road I'm traveling.  During the past couple of weeks I have thought a lot about that part of my struggle.   Honestly, my concentration on this was brought on by the reaction I saw from the Biggest Loser Season Finale. 
Although I am not a avid fan of the show, I do try to watch it.  I find the transformations astounding.  I cry with the contestants.  I relate with the struggle and the pain.  I DVR the show sometimes so that when I hit the hour mark on the treadmill watching it, they are at last chance workouts and it motivates me to keep going.   
The winner of this season had an amazing transformation going from 260 to 105 lbs.  I understand that she was below healthy weight at that time, but she was 105 at weigh in but had actually went back up to 122 lbs by the time of the finale.  Just like fighters drop weight to "make weight", she was trying to win a prize.   However what I took note of was how quickly everyone was to find fault in something that was meant to be positive.  Of course, she should not starve herself and have an opposite relationship with food than what she had prior to the show.  But, I question why people assumed the worst about her and her journey. 
Unfortunately, this happens too often, where people look to find fault.   That woman fought hard to change herself for the better.  She was proud and happy.  I don't know her but I believe her when she says that she is focused on maintaining a healthy lifestyle going forward.  
Similarly, I have found that some people have wanted to make assumptions about me and my motivation.  I am writing this blog (and share my workouts on Facebook) because it helps me.  This is an creative outlet for me that allows me to straighten my thoughts.  I post my workouts on Facebook to keep me accountable.  Additionally, numerous people have told me that when they see a post about my workout it pushes them to get to the gym.  I am not doing so to be boastful, judgmental or egotistical.  I am not doing so to promote a business venture nor a certain diet / workout routine.  I am sharing my story for me... and if it helps someone else in the meantime, that touches my heart and is more motivation for me to going forward. 
The last 6 weeks have not been easy for me and I have needed to refocus many times.   I set a hard goal for myself 5 weeks ago, which in retrospect may not have been the best thing for my mind.  I was determined to hit the 50 lb loss mark by February 15th, 4 months from the date I committed to a healthier diet to compliment my ramped up workouts.  Honestly, I did not achieve my goal.  However, I did lose 50 lbs in 4 months and 1 day.   And despite how anyone else feels about it, I will be proud of it.  I worked hard for it.  I also sabotage myself at times... which made that number on the scale even more meaningful.  Not only was it a win over haters, my past, my winter blahs and stress... but it was a triumph over myself.
I hesitated sharing my victory because of how people may react.   I can't care about those who may have something bad to say, because they clearly don't care about me. 
As I look back on the past 4 months, a lot has changed.  Mostly me.  The weight is one thing, but there is so much that came with that.  My view has changed a bit... my view of myself, my world, my desires and my future. 
I will say that my boxing (which is what started this all) has improved.   I became comfortable working out on a double end bag.  I learned how to throw combinations South Paw and alternate between that and Orthodox.   Being at a lower weight has allowed me to be lighter on my feet.  Finally, we are able to work on my footwork. 
This journey has just begun, but progress has been made.  I do need to keep reminding myself that some days are harder than others but that I have to just keep moving forward, despite struggles or what other people have to say.   If I fail, it only hurts me.  But when I succeed, not only can I inspire others, but I may just amaze myself.