“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
- Socrates
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard wasn't from a friend or loved one, but from Dr. Phil while I was watching TV from my hospital bed 8 years ago. To be honest, my memory about his guests or even the topic for that day's show are nonexistent. This is not shocking as I have few memories of that year of my life. But I remember his words, "You can't control others' actions, but you can control your reaction."
Since that time, I have held that simple sentence in my conscious. Also, I'm sure many of my friends would attest to the fact that it has become my favorite piece of advice to give out. In a way, it has become my mantra. It has served me well from work situations to family to friends to random circumstances with strangers. By understanding that statement in my life, some things that have bothered me for years no longer get to me the way they once did. Overall, I have been able to have a calmer demeanor because I have chosen that as my reaction. If you don't believe me, test it out this holiday season. When that family member says/does something ... the same something that gets under your skin every time... choose to have a different reaction. Choose the reaction of not letting it get to you. I often decide to react in the way that involves an inward eye roll, thanking God I am not them and to not give them the satisfaction of an ounce of my energy.
At the same time, I am going to remain 100% honest. This is not to say that I don't react negatively to any situation. I do... regularly. I am someone with strong opinions, convictions and believe that there are many times that you need to have a non-passive reaction. Especially when it comes to defending yourself and your loved ones.
Until recently, despite all this personal development inspired by this one statement, I never realized that I had not attempted to apply it in my biggest struggle in my life. Unfortunately, this realization came after damage was done.
The box that I have been living in for so long is complex, both negative and positive. On the negative side, it is made up of, but not limited to, self-fulfilling prophecies, hurtful memories, repeated failures, betrayed trust, bad choices, fear and frustrations. The box has had the ability to detain me because all those negatives intertwine in such a way that one will cause the other and the glue that holds them together is the overwhelming desire to protect myself from hurt, failure,and betrayal.
Inside that box I have fought my struggle on my own. Getting fit was always the big objective, but I would often be satisfied with just making sure further damage to my heart and soul was avoided.
Shortly after I moved to North Carolina, I went to a gym to check it out. I wanted to start a fitness routine as soon as possible. The gym was clean and seemed to offer everything that I wanted. I signed the paperwork and made an appointment for my free Personal Training evaluation (AKA the sales pitch to buy a training package). I was willing to consider a trainer so I was looking forward to it. The trainer asked basic questions and rattled on. At the end of the appointment she showed me a paper with her recommendation for my training. The proposed dollar amount was much more than I could afford. I told the trainer such and asked her if there was a lower amount she could recommend. This trainer than told me that I needed to spend the money on this because if I did not, I could not spend money on anything else because I would be dead. I never walked back in those gym doors again. I did not walk in another gym's door for almost 2 years.
In my mind she judged me and did not want to train me. Her words stabbed my heart and depleted my motivation. Although I really wanted to work out, to save myself from embarrassment and sadness, I just avoided it all together.
Those 2 years made me regress. The progress I had made prior to that was thrown away and then some. Once I got back into a gym, it still took until my boxing training to feel comfortable with myself at the gym with other people.
I remember the first time that Espo asked me if I wanted to video tape one of our drills. I was mortified. When I finally let him tape one and he wanted to post it to show people our progress I had a complete panic attack. Although he tried to convince me that I was good and that people would be impressed, all I imagined was people watching the video and seeing me shake and bulge in places that I shouldn't. He can tell you that I would refuse to watch the videos in between drills. I don't know if Espo knows why I wouldn't but it was because if I did, I would be, mentally, a wreck for the rest of the session.
It took time, but finally I believe that I have become good at this skill I have worked on. But that alone did not allow me be okay with the videos being posted. There were 2 other keys to moving on:
- I chose my reaction to "haters". If someone was going to look at the video and only see the negative, that was their loss. If they could not see my progress and the dedication, I decided I really didn't care about their opinion.
- I chose my reaction to my past. Life isn't perfect. I am not perfect. However, I realized that I can either continue to carry the pain & fear of past incidents (like the obnoxious trainer) to keep me from progressing OR I can let it go and move on. I chose the latter.
So although Espo tells me to keep my hands up to protect myself at all times in boxing, the sport has allowed me to let my guard down and relax outside training.
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